You may think that I'm a zero...

So, its been a long, long process... moving on, but sometimes, you cant pass up life.. You need to move on from the demons, ghosts from your past...  in order for true happiness to sink in... Thank you Farmer Jack for this insight... I blogged last about closure, and its something that I do have, but closure doesn't always equal moving on. Everyone searches for love, but what is love?

I know what I went through, and to say that it wasn't love, would be a lie... I did love him, and I will always have a spot of love for him, regardless what is said... Love, however will make you do crazy shit... I do talk a lot of shit and dwell on the bad in my past, but I can't do it anymore... focusing on the bad, is not beneficial nor condusive to anything.. So I would like to take this time to clear some things up...

My relationship with my ex, wasn't in all the way bad... We have several good times... We use to be the envy of everyone... Everyone wanted to have the relationship we had... We both truly did love each other, and cared deeply for each other... Its something that I don't think either one of us will ever out grow. Do I still think of him? Yes, he was my best friend and family for two years, you can't just cut that out of your life... Would you cut your mom, or dad, or grandparent out of your life? As much as you may think you can, or have tried and said you would, you can't... Its the same concept here... When we were good, we were amazing, but when we were bad, all hell would break loose... We were just too different of people, and in too different a place in our lives to be successful with a relationship, we moved way too fast, and that also was destructive... Within the first week of us seeing each other we had practically started living together, then life came at both of us full swing, and I honestly do not think either one of us were in a place to deal with it all, so we fell back on each other, but then we started blaming each other for our own faults... and it escalated from there... obstacle after obstacle came our way, and we had no idea how to handle it... things got way out of hand, and it was the ultimate end of our relationship...

I do not wish him anything but success in life... Holding a grudge will only prolong emotions i need to set free... I honestly in a sense want to thank him... Without being in this relationship, I dont think I would be at the level I am today... I see what I could of had, living pay check to pay check, no money, miserably depressed (not because of my ex mind you)... and I can't do that... Because of this, I am now in school, trying to better myself... and honestly, I don't think anyone can harbor bad feelings on that... I know this is another heavy post, but Its me being honest with myself, and my friends and family, and it needs to be said, I believe, in order for me to complete the phase of moving on... If my ex reads this, I am not trying to reach for an appology, but I want to say thank you, and I am sorry for everything that I've caused you...

until next time


ERICfreakingfabulousGENE

The scars of your love...

Closure... a word that means little to some, but a lot to me... tonight, I finally have it for real this time... I guess no matter how intense the psychiatrist sessions are, certain people never will change...

Life comes and goes, but its the memories we make, that guide our lives forever... Those who we love, and who love us, will keep our legacy alive even after we are gone... Sometimes, however there are memories we wish we would of never had... I know I wish I could take back a lot of things, however I can not... I am glad in a sense with what has happened... Life teaches us a lot, and however hard we wish there was a replay button or an erase button, sadly there isnt... Why do  bad things happen to good people? Its the one question, in my opinion, that will never be answered...

As much as I try to see the good in people, sometimes, there isn't good in a person... As much as I have struggled with my own faith and whats real, there is one fact that I will not deny... the fact that there is good, and evil in the world... Maybe the past two years were a test, and now its on to bigger and better things... One can only hope, and that's for sure what I need to focus on.... Doors are always going to open and close, but how do we know what door to choose next? Am I setting myself up for failure, or am I going through the door that will bring only happiness?

Happiness, I think we can all agree, is something everyone strives for. What and how we get it, are completely up to us... No matter how optimistic you are, shattered pieces cannot always be fixed... I have come to realize this, with the help of a couple different people... Sometimes, no matter how careful we are, shards of glass are still sharp and will cut you... its always better to sweep up the pieces, and move on...

There is always someone out there, that even when you are having a bad day, can and will put a smile on your face. Its inevitable, a text, or picture, or a simple reminder from that person is all that you need to make the pain go away. The scary thing is, is it real? or is it an illusion, a mindset of things are better. Neither is a defiant, or a good answer, but is delusion just a better state to be in than the real life? Is happiness a state of being, or is it a physical anomaly. I would like to think its a mixture of both... An amazing guy once told me he's searching for his happy spot... and it got me thinking... what technically is a happy spot? is it a place, a goal, or what exactly?

When I think of my happy spot, I like to picture myself, with a family of my own... Me and my partner are truly in love, and financially stable, raising our kids, living life, being happy... who or where that is, is a mystery, but we all strive for it... I've always said that I want to live on or near a beach, but when it boils down to it, a beach doesnt guarantee happiness... surrounding yourself with family, and friends, and your loved ones is true happiness... sometimes love needs to result in heartbreak in my opinion.

love is blind, and it surly was for me... If I had not gone through what I went through, I don't think I would be in the position I am in now. I am getting my life back on track, I have amazing friends back in my life that I never thought I would have, a family that I know will be there for me through everything, and I am now talking to this amazing guy whom I never probably would of met if I hadn't gone through what I did. Life is funny and horrible that way.

The sayings "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" and "Wipe the dirt off and keep going" come to mind here... I've been scared to death the past couple times, I can't even count how many times in the early morning hours I called my parents  because I was afraid I was going to die... but it taught me a lot about survival, I stuck with it through the worst part, that I can survive anything. I've been covered in dirt (metaphorically) for the past two years, and it honestly feels great to finally wipe it all off, breath clean air, and know I survived.

Life comes at you like a freight train, and its the choices that you make in it that shows character. Will you stand up for what you believe in, or will you coward and jump off to the side, missing the real journey to life? I've been jumping out of the trains way for far too long, Its time I stand up and face everything, leave no demons from my past to break me. Honestly, it feels so good to finally be where I am. I have a great family, and great friends that I can always count on to be there for me.. Now is the time I finally start my new chapter and new life, full on, no reservations, and I hope that this great guy will be there with me, all the way through it.

Until next time

ERICfreakingfabulousGENE

D-D-D-Dance dance dance till you're dead

I really have no point to blog about tonight, but I feel like I need to have some type of comic relief from the last post... it was so heart wrenching and all...

So I got a request to blog about a lame friend of mine. His names Nic... Hes actually pretty cool... He is a lame gamer nerd tho... Usually when I ask him whats up, He is gaming... No joke... its ok, hes a cool nerd so I guess its understandable... He does make a mean no baked cookie and chicken strips... He's also a self appointed Guru... He is full of insight and knowledge... Those of you who are lucky to know him... cool... those who arent... sorry buckaroos... you really should know him... other than that, I dont know what to say...

until next time

ERICfreakingfabulousGENE

You with the sad eyes...

So, I start school in less than two weeks :\ I'm still pretty uncertain still... Its a major step, and I have been out for five years, so its kind of putting me into a panic attack and anxiety is starting to settle in... and its starting to become more real... Is this really what I want to be doing? or what exactly do I want to do?

On a different note, I've been listening to "True Colors" on repeat the past couple days, hence the title for this blog (insert gay cliche' here)... it reminds me a lot of shit going on in my life and I'm not sure what or how to think... Am I really making the right choice in my life... I tried everything I could think of to try and save us, and I couldn't. Was it me that was the problem? I will agree I am a very difficult and stubborn person, but at the same time, I don't feel that I should of gone through everything I went through... If love is really like that, who would want it? Why would anyone want to suffer through it? Looking back, I do wish I would of ran every chance he gave me. Maybe I have so much regret because I can't forgive myself. I was so infatuated with being in love and being with him, that I refused to see what harm was going on. He could do no wrong  because I love him. And now, regardless of how bad I don't want to think about him, I can't. He was my family, my friend, my everything for two years. We had bad times, a lot, but we did have really good times as well. I just want peace in my life, and it seems impossible to find it, I don't know what to do either...


Everything has me questioning everything about my happiness... Will I even be able to find true happiness now? I have been talking to someone that makes me very happy, and I really enjoy talking to him, its just the distance part that sucks. Its almost as if I am setting myself up for failure. Its hard, esp when I wear my heart on my sleeve... I come off strong and abrasive but its not intentional. I am who I am, and I'm not going to be someone different. If someone doesn't like it, I really am sorry but I don't care

Well this has been a pretty heavy serious blog... I swear it wont happen often so until next time...

PS. I MISS MY KYLIE WILEY, MY SCARLET COCK :(

ERICfreakingfabulousGENE

The sun will come out tomorrow..

So this blog is dedicated to the loving memory of my dear sister Stacy Marine... She was a lovely lass... Looked just like me with long hair... I shall miss her dearly... Cause of death, I do have to say was she was cutting things while I was trying to watch Bones... let this be a lesson to you all... GRRR... but she was full of partly sunny emotions mixed with rain showers, thunderstorms, and hail... When she got going, you better watch out, she could run through a door, well not really through, but hard enough to jam it shut for a while... She was a ghusty girl... people who knew her best, such as words with friends, called her a slut... While others called hear Minx... she was a shady little fucker at times... posting things while normal people are sleeping... the truth is she will be missed dearly... esp on days like today... the gloomy clouds, with the rain, its just like her personality... now next time I see a tornado... I know, the wrath of my sister is noticed...

until next time

ERICfreakingfabulousGENE

Alone in a crowded room

So as I am sitting outside, and its pretty amazing... It finally doesnt feel like satan's vagina engulfed the world.. and for that I am pretty excited... Listening to the sounds of nocturnal nature is very calming, as if they know its going to be ok.... I am actually really nervous about going back to school... Will I be able to do it? Will I be able to pass and graduate, let alone be accepted into my program for my major? Then you have to figure... how the hell is this guy going to be around people? I am very cynical... I would be the guy that will tell you "i have good news and  bad news... Bad news is youre not gonna make it... good news is I saved a ton of money on my car insurance"... Im assuming I will totally lose my licence huh? But hey, that career will be short lived but man.. the memories I will have with my first and last patient will be worth it... We cried, we laughed... well I laughed... and then he flat lined... well he, or she... I guess I cant be sexious in my blog... It would be politically incorrect right? But in all honesty, it is my biggest fear, failure that is... I have failed miserably at life in most everything I have tried to do... Work, relationships, etc... I will say tho, I do turn out to be a pretty fandamtastic friend... Ask any of my friends, if they say otherwise, they prob werent really my friend... I actually really do value my friends deeply... If I had listened to them a while ago, I would had totally been safe from a lot of shit! but atleast I met the love of my life, Kylie Wiley, no really, thats her name... She's pretty fandamntastic herself... Shes my everything... my nonsexual lover, my friend, my mentor, my bitch... no really... shes my bitch... I miss running around work trying to find that damn minx... shes pretty good at hide and seek so dont play against her... She will win... bitching at micky, and the new girls, gawd... I miss her :( come see me my scarlet cock and together you and the purple pecker will stop stupidity everywhere! ok thats enough for now, Loves you all

ERICfreakingfabulousGENE

Welcome to my Crazy life

So for those of you out there who don't know me, I am Eric. I have lived a crazy life, and have some crazy friends... Scarlet Cock you know who you are gurl loves ya! I am going back to school after being out of it for five years... Scurry I know... But its all good... I haven't had the best life the past couple years, really bad relationship... Thats a ton of blogs later and I'm sure they will be blogged about... I'm currently 23 living in Kansas... yay me... I cant wait to get out of this state, but for the time being, I have great friends and family that will help me survive... I am pretty sarcastic and witty, but I'm not really showing it in this post... I use to dance and teach it. I miss the stage very much... it was my favorite part of my day. I have a wonderful niece that I love and miss dearly, and a nephew I have yet to see... I am also gay, obviously, if you have a problem with it, then don't read my blog, simple as that... but too bad because I'm pretty f#*king funny... I am also pretty random as well so I can't really promise my postings will make sense, but then again its my life and it for sure doesnt make a lot of sense... well until I can really figure out something to blog about, I shall stop rambling...

Until next time

ERICfreakingfabulousGENE